Bomb Squad Report

I have heard my team and fans and I have done something about it.  Welcome to the BombSquad Report, a place to get your recaps, Awards, and Quotes without filling up your e-mail box.  

Quite simply, I will be posting all BombSquad Related news here for all to read and enjoy, plus any team updates that we may have.  All I ask is that you guys participate and check the site often.  Oh, and sign up for gmail accounts...i want interaction.

I want to thank Sarah for directing me to the site, KG for owning the team, and theKid for providing me with a 'writing' buff.  

BS FALL '08 Games 1 & 2 The Double Dip Recap

Game 1:

Entering the Game the energy and vibe was at an all time high for the Bomb Squad after enduring a 2 week delay due to fear and weather.  Despite not having much time playing together, the team seemed to gel quickly and was ready to go into battle for this late season stretch.  The team started off extremely fast featuring their new leadoff hitter James ‘Ricochet’ Schwertfegger who was signed out of the Puerto Rican Softball league.  Please see the preview mock interview later in this recap for more details.  After a great play forced out Ricochet, and with KG on first up stepped, coach and the newly crowned 911 Award winner, iz3y Lopez.  We go to Ron Santo for the call:

 “one out, runner onnnn………first…yeah first.  Is that first?  I remember being on first one time after taking a walk.  Oh, wait, what happened?  How did that ball get in right field…WHOAH, people are running around the bases…what happened?  (receives help from staffer)  Ahh…HomeRun by Ignacio Lopezi, the Bomb Squad is up 2-0.”

 The BS crew put up 3 runs total in the first and then proceeded to enter into a slug fest giving up 5, then coming back with 3 more in the second only to give up 4 more.  Rust was evident everywhere as the starting shortstop AIR-MAILED two throws, and few fly balls were dropped and in general people had difficulty adjusting to the layoff.  Team energy on the other hand was high and even though the game ended in the 5^th 16-6, positive vibes abounded. 

 Team owner Kathy was quoted as saying, “I like the team and I hope to see the same energy, competiveness, and desire throughout the season.  I just hope my coach doesn’t do something dumb like dislocate his shoulder again, or pitch!”

 

Game 2:

Sensing his pitcher was not in the zone, iz3y came on to pitch.  The Bomb Squad did not respond positively committing a league record 100 errors in the inning and giving up only 15 runs.  The offense started hot again, but only one run was scored despite some sharp hit balls, and the BS crew looked tired and old.  The rest of the game turned ugly as chatter between both teams escalated and it seemed as the focus was not on the game.  A source close to the team said there was a lengthy discussion between the captains of the team with Ricky ‘theKid’ Wojcik saying only, “This does not ADD up to a win.  We cannot have a winning FORMULA, acting like this on the bench, and not concentrating on the field.  We need to find the COMMON DENOMINATOR and become a PRIME example of a team.”

Some good points throughout the game was the speed of the team with the addition of former High School hurdler Nick ‘IT THUG’ Cummings.  He hit the ball hard and legged out an infield hit.  Later, he forced an error and made them pay by running around the bases collecting two RBIs.  There were concerns about how his speed will hold up after his 30^th Birthday Party, this Saturday, but scouts and medical staff have shown good confidence in him.  Also, Ed has not lost any speed whatsoever and finally the energy of the club.  

BS Talk: James 'Shadez' Schwertfeger

I am back and proud to be able to conduct this next interview.  Getting an audience with this guy is as hard as it gets.  I traversed various neighborhoods and gin joints just hoping to find an in, and finally my day has come.  As I drive to Casa de Schwertz, a few things cross my mind.  Specifically, how the hell does a Puerto Rican kid from Bridgeport get a name like Schwertfeger?  I had more questions but my thoughts were interrupted when I arrived at the Casa.  I was immediately approached by a guy who asked me tons of questions about Stats and other useless shit.  Past him was the sprawling bachelor pad and complete with typical velvet couches, oil paintings of tigers and Schwertz himself, and what looked like a half naked woman sneaking out the back door.  Who is Shadez?  Only one way to find out, so with collar loosened and sitting a room with the smell of a freshly lit Cloves cigarette I began…

 

THE INTERVIEW OF SHADEZ!

 

 

 

THE INTRO

Me: thanks for letting me hang out man…who the hell was that at the door?

JS: you talking to me?  Sorry, the cloves are kicking in, and well you know…HAHAHA

Me: nope…know what?  It’s a cigarette man, why are you getting the munchies?  And do u know u resemble the hell out of REN from REN And STimpy?

JS:  Cigarrette…right…right…(winks) sure.  REN..must be a classy guy…HAHAHAH

Me:  Yeah…so the guy at the door?

JS:  my butler..yeah he got hit on the head and now spews nothing but useless stats.  Great for taking out my trash though…HAHAHA

Me: NICE!  Why so you always laugh…

JS:  I don’t know..HAHAHAHA

 

LOVE LIFE

ME: so a special lady in your life man.  It looks like a bad 70s porn set here…so I am saying no.

JS: come on man…pshshshsh…you know how I do.  I just flash the smile, apply the gel, and put the money on the table.  All good! …HAHAAH

ME:  Can your hair really withstand hurricane type winds and what kind of gel is it?

JS: Oh yeah, without a doubt.  I am not sure I can reveal my gel brand, but all I have to say is that a smart guy at NASA hooked me up….HAHAHA

Me: Wow…that is impressive.  What the hell is that smell?

JS:  My bad…can’t leave the cologne open like that…too much for you to handle.  SEX PANTHER…sick stuff right? …HAHAH

Me: mos def…please put it away.  Did I see someone run out of here like 2 min ago?

JS:  Yep…cleaning lady.  …HAHAH

ME: looked old

JS: YOU KNOW I HOW I DO! …HAHAHA

ME: I am not high fiving u!

 

 

POLITICS

ME: Obama or McCain?

JS: Huh?  Do I look like a political guy?  Deron Williams or Chris Paul.  Pepsi or Coke (PEPSI btw).  These are the real issues.  Though Palin looks like a hot librarian.  I might get political now.

ME: ur way quieter than I expected…whats up with that? 

JS:  I gotta keep on the down low…under the radar…you know. 

ME: no idea…and please put a cap on the cologne…dear god!

JS: being quiet equals mysterious…dangerous…

ME: lonely?

JS: huh?  I was doing my hair…huh?

Me: nothing…so u like Palin?

JS: Who?  Oh the hot Librarian…Oh yeah.  Might have to text her.  See if she’s down!

 

SPORTS

ME: What are your favorite sports teams?

JS: BEARS, BULLS, CUBS, and CHICAGO SKY OF THE WNBA…GO SKY!!!!

ME: Cubs huh…what the hell happened to you?  You’re a Bridgeport native.  You grew up in the shadow of Comiskey Park

JS: US CELLULAR

ME: low blow my friend

JS:  Well I like the women.

ME:  huh?

JS:  See at SOX games they actually pay attention, at Wrigley…well they are impaired.  Nothing like a little edge!

ME: wow….

ME:  How did u start playing softball?

JS: well I just took my love of sports and beer and decided to fuse them together.  Normally, I play 16in, cause I like big soft balls, but I decided to go with a little something challenging.

ME: Any other Sports?

JS: BAGS!  I am champ…I hustled for money as a kid.  I dominated the streets.  Some people play dice…I bag it up

ME: I have lost to you many times…the pizza flop technique…how?

JS:  Lots of wrist work…LOTS!!!

ME:  great…explains the lotions.  IS that pina colada Butt Lotion?

JS:  why ye…

ME:  know what…don’t worry about it.

 

MUSIC

ME:  What type of music do you like?

JS: I am down for whatever.  House, Freestyle, House…reggaeton…Freestyle…

ME:  nice, ur pretty diverse.  It also explains the Fantasy Girl that is in the background but not the Hasselhoff poster…wow!!!

JS:  I am half german dick.  WE LOVE THE HOFF.  I have his collection (a secret panel slides open revealing not a carefully stashed collection of porn but a glorious mountain of HOFF material.)

ME:  dear lord…u have locks of his hair..Can I tou…

JS:  Don’t even think about getting near that. 

ME:  you know his greatest contribution is Knight Rider right?

JS: Whoa, pump ur breaks son before I go blitz krieg on ur ass.  That man is a national treasure in Germany.

ME: he is American..ur American…

JS: settle down…just listen to this cd and tell me it sux!

ME: (listens and almost vomits) it sux.

JS: [violent words in German]….

ME:  relax man..just not my cup of tea

JS: YOU WILL CONFORM!!!!

ME:  wow! 

“don’t talk about the HOFF!

 

 

 

LIFE

ME: what is ur philosophy of on life man

JS: keep it quiet, and attack like a panther when the mood is right.  You think this tiger printed robe is an accident.  You think these silk sheets with cheetah spots are accidents.  You think I get all faded up for nothing.  Naw man..premeditated…premeditated baby.  Ready for action…adventure…[phone rings]  ‘Yeah mom, I will be by to pick up my laundry.’  Gotta jet…girl be calling.

ME:  Dude that was ur mom!

JS:  yeah..but no one knows that…not like ur going to publish this…HAIL THE HOFF, I AM OUT!!!

 

BS FALL '08 Game 1 & 2 Awards

brought to you by, DJ Lithaly Entertainment

Player of the Game 1: iz3y lopez – no shoulder dislocation, and hit like a beast, despite throwing two balls onto Washington.

Player of the Game 2: James ‘Ricochet’ Schwertfegger – in a game where we didn’t score a lot, he still hit well. James benefits from the aerodynamic hair and full body warm up suit. I would not try doing this, just admire its hurricane resistant nature.

Defensive play of the Game: KG – Stop a ball with your toe? No problem. Stab a hot shot to third…no issue. Just for sacrificing the body, we give her this award.

Newcomer of the GAMES: Nicholas ‘Hurdles’ Cummings – Speed, and flashed of power…gotta love the game.

Ballerina Award: iz3y ‘twinkle toes’ Lopez – Wow…how bad is it when u bend over to pick up a grounder, turn and fall on your ass. I was not diving, per team rules. I wasn’t trying to do anything spectacular but make a play and I end up on my ass then throw a curve ball to first. Am I embarrassed? You bet ur ass I am…because I swore that those dance lessons I took at the Johnner School of Chair Dancing were going to help me.

New Guy II – Ryan Lubbers: have to give him an award for the name and the fact he showed flashes of line drive power…almost loses award for drinking at the game and not bringing enough for team (which u shouldn’t because we have an official bar and no one wants a ticket for drinking on the field).

BS FALL '08 Game 1 & 2 Quotes

“SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY” – iz3y…coach asserting his will

“I like duct tape” – Opposing pitcher…still doesn’t mean we should cheer when she almost gets decapitated…cheer the LUBBERS!

“*$#$%#$%$# %$#%@#$% #$%@$$$$ @@#$#@!%$#” James ‘Ricochet’ Schwertfegger …after dropping a fly ball

“@#$$#@% ####%^^$#% ADSAS@#%$#@%$#@%” Ricky ‘theKID’ …after dropping his fly ball

“that’s it, next week we are doing $2 shots!” – KG

“Brett Favre is a drama queen!” – Sarah ‘Sasha’ Schabowski

BS FALL '08 Game 1 & 2 Coach

I know what you guys are expecting…this long winded lecture but you’re not going to get it from me. I was very happy with our energy and team concept. I have nothing but love for people who support their teammates and are into the game. Now, I will not condone the other shit though because it is unprofessional and shows no respect for our team or the other teams. I have talked to the captains on the team and this will not happen again. Cheer on your teammates, make fun of your teammates, and hell flirt with the other team, but be smart. Don’t chatter when you’re supposed to be hitting or fielding, and absolutely NO MORE magnificently stupid comments. Respect the game.

-iz3y!: coach

BS SUMMER '08 THE RECAP

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am back and almost better than ever. I know it has been quiet from this end for a couple of weeks, but I have been busy getting my record Label off the ground.

So unlike normal recaps I am not going to only have a Sports Section-esque recap, as a matter of fact I am starting this thing off with this lame-o message and now owner Kathy G has poked me with a stick so here goes our recap, Awards, quotes, and finally…coach’s comments…well…LETS DO THE DAMN THING!!!

Despite a hot start, the BOMB Squad limped through the season ending it with a 180 turn from how they started. The season commenced with a 31-6 drubbing of the Free Marketeers and the team riding a wave of positive vibes, partially fueled by beer. Things reached their zenith when the BS crew defeated Phil & Lou’s 14-11 playing with only 8 players under dim lights and more beer. Things would soon go south after a 2 week wait when the team saw their Team player/manager iz3y go down with a freak injury. Freak because his arm seemed to not fit right with the rest of his body. It was later diagnosed he had a simple case of being a ‘dumb ass’ for diving for a ball in a rec softball league! Injuries would later claim, Stephen ‘andy from the office’ Pzrybysz, and partially the Clown Prince of Math, Richard ‘the clown prince of math’ Wojcik.

Through the course of the year we saw the team really come together from pre-warmup drinking sessions, to pre-game warmup Bags/drinking sessions, which caused the league to issue a NO DRINKING Memorandum. We saw Johnner dance on the mound, and ‘Babe Ruth’ trot the bases. We learned new lingo like ‘heels’ (for people who swing at pitches over their head and necessitating heels to hit it) to ‘outtie 3000’, which really should have never been used under any circumstance. The team laughed, cried (sorry, Stephen I had to let people know), and even get yelled at (yeah I did it…and yeah I did take coaches training from Lou and Ozzie). Above all, the team gelled, and came together to the point that we cheered every hit, and picked each other up in the field.

The last game, against Phil & Lou’s, was a rough affair where the offense could not get on track again. Whether it was the lights, or the time, or the the fact people had $2 tequila shots in them, it just seemed like something always came up. Not much will be remembered from this game except the Kid’s buff collection and Johnner almost getting killed by three line drives he still hasn’t realized were being hit to him.

Johnner did manage to gun someone at third turning the impossible into the possible. Kg almost one upped him ranging deep into foul territory to snag a fly ball.

What should be taken away from the game is how far everyone came from where they started and how much work there is still to go. Also, and more importantly, how much fun we had playing this silly game.